The SSBM Dating Show!
by waitingxxwishing
Summary: Zelda, having no other option, invites Peach onto her dating show. As the night unfolds, havoc ensues . . . Reviews much appreciated!
1. Chapter 1: Enter the Mayhem

**The Super Smash Brothers' Dating Show!**

Formerly known as, well, the same thing, I have decided to revamp the old chapters (once again) and repost! Again! How lucky of you! The sun shines upon you this day, my friends. I am, however, expecting any type of feedback from this story. Questions, comments, concerns, etc. Flames will be accepted, too. I don't care.

**And now for the ever-so-popular disclaimer:** I don't own Nintendo, or any of its characters, no matter how big or small. Or lame. (Just kidding on that last part) But, I do own these strange ideas that become stories, with the characters in them. Heh.

Enough of my useless rambling!

On to the show, folks!

**…!****:…**

_One fine day at the SSBM Broadcasting Building, the birds were chirping, the bees were buzzing, and all of those other out-of-the-fairytale book cliché's. But inside, however, the chaos had just begun . . ._

"Look, Link, I'm sorry! It's just that she's the last person at this time that'd be willing to do the show!" Zelda, obviously irked, was trying her hardest to make the Hylian hero accept her proposition. Without the 'lucky lady,' the oncoming show would be a bust. Zelda knew this, Link knew this, the studio staff knew this; hell, it wouldn't matter if the entire world knew it, too. Another thing Zelda knew was that if she didn't get a female contestant, she was in for it, deep.

Grimacing, Link shuddered slightly for the umpteenth time. "I just don't see why it has to be_ her_-"

"Because," the princess started, rolling her eyes, "Like I told you, she is the only one that would want to do something like this last-minute. Besides, I called at least seven other girls, all of which I thought would agree. But, obviously, they're not that pathetically idiotic. And I'm telling you, this girl has got those two words written all over her."

Captain Falcon, a 'mystery man' for the show, overheard the conversation. But honestly, who couldn't with all the shouting? Grinning, he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at Zelda. "Did you say _all _over her . . .?" Being quite the lecher, he quickly smacked the poor girl's behind. And enjoyed it, too, before running away, howling with laughter.

"Pervert," she started, twitching slightly from the unwanted physical contact. "So Link, please? I promise it'll-"

"You promise it'll be alright," he cut in, knowingly. "Fine. Whatever. Just don't come crying to me when the show completely bombs tonight." He grinned, letting Zelda have her way.

"Now, Linky, where in the name of all things chocolate is my cell phone?"

oO0Oo

While Link went on an epic quest to find the princess's cell, the rest of the studio was in complete pandemonium. Young Link and Ness were happily breaking filming equipment, while Mewtwo, the supposedly 'all-powerful,' lay in a ball on the floor. Trying to calm down, he started chanting a line from his favorite movie; secretly his favorite, of course. "Find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy place . . ."

Just then, Linky-Poo came rushing into the main room, Zelda's phone in hand. Rushing up to her, he carefully handed her the phone. "S-sorry," he panted out, "I took so l-long, (huff) but I grabbed it (wheeze) from Bowser b-before (cough) he almost used it as toilet paper a-again . . ." The poor young man doubled over, hands on his knees, clearly exhausted from his little escapade; or from the horrid stench he had to endure to retrieve the phone. Either or, Link was tuckered out.

"Umm, Link, you did remember to spray it down with some Lysol, didn't you?" Zelda made a sick face, holding the phone away from her body.

Looking up, he nodded, whipping out the can. "Right h-here, Zel. (wheeze) I thought it was, err, necessary-"

"Well, how in hell was I supposed to know it wasn't toilet paper?" Bowser called out, walking into the room with a line of the substance stuck to the underside of his foot.

"Uh, you must have some interesting toilet paper back in the Mushroom Kingdom," Zelda choked out, relieved that her precious cell was back in good hands. Well, more like her hands, but whatever.

Nodding excitedly, Bowser piped up. "Yea, we do! We have all different kinds of shapes and shi-"

"That's . . . alright, Bowser. I don't need to know." Zelda brushed back her golden hair, hurriedly dialing a number. "I don't have time for this," she mumbled before pressing the 'send' button. "EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Screeching like a banshee, she glared at every surrounding person. The others in the room fell silent, aside from a few coughs or whispers. "Alright. Thanks, guys. I'm calling her now." Hesitantly, she put her finger upon the small button that would forever change the night.

The small device started to ring, and Zelda brought it up to her ear. _Please answer, please answer me . . ._ After the 4th ring, the line was picked up.

"Hola! This is el-Peacho! The big cheese! With her big sombrero¿Para qué puedo hacerle?"

Relieved, Zelda spoke calmly back into her phone. Well, sort of. "Um, Peach? I don't speak Spanish. And I didn't know you did either."

"It means what can I do you for, silly! And let me guess! I'm speaking to Zellie! How are ya, girlie!"

"Um, yes, it's Zelda," answered the Hylian Princess, getting quickly to the point. "And I have a small favor to ask of you. How would you like to be on T.V.?"

A small gasp emerged from the other line, followed by a giggle. "I'd love to, Zellie, but what ever are you getting at?"

Grinning, Zelda knew her words of being 'pathetically idiotic' matched the princess perfectly. "Well, sweetie, I wanted you to be on my show tonight!"

"R-really? Oh my goodness! You're kidding!"

"No, I'm not! You just have to be down here by 7:00-ish or so. The SSBM Broadcasting Building, you know, downtown?"

Squeals were heard, very loud at that, causing Zelda to flinch. "OhmygoodnessOhmygoshthisissoexcitingIcan'tbelieveit-"

"Believe it Peach. So do you want to do it, or not?"

"OH MY, WHY OF COURSE I DO! YESYESYESYESYES! I'll be there! WEEE!"

"Thanks, doll. See you at seven. The broadcast building. Don't be late."

Enthusiastic laughter and babbling were still heard on Zelda's phone, and she hastened to close it. Turning to the bewildered staff, she smirked. Looking directly at Link, she spoke. "Blondie's in. Get the set ready, people."

Not really surprised, Link followed after Zelda into the hall. "Well, 'Zellie,' how do you feel?" He asked her, smiling.

"To be honest, Linky-Poo," she laughed, words dripping with sarcasm, "I feel like complete and utter shit." And with that, she started down the hall to clear her mind.

"At least we have a contestant, Zel!" Link called after her, eyes staring at her diminishing form. Shaking his head in amusement, he twisted back to the studio to help set up, that is, before he stepped on a nail 'accidentally dropped' by the little terrors, Young Link and Ness.

"**_Bloody hell!_** LINK! NESS! GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE! I'M GONNA GRIND YOU BOTH INTO PULPS!"

Giggles erupted from around the corner, followed by footsteps running in the opposite direction. Link inspected the puncture, noting it was nothing serious. Softer steps came from behind him, hands resting on his shoulders, followed by an amused feminine voice.

"Well, Linky-sweetie, at least you still have your foot . . ."

**…!****:…**

Well, whataya think? I know, I know, it starts off kind of slow and stupid, but what can you do? Oh wait, I know! Review, and wait for the next chapter! Because if you don't review, my friends, then _I'm _coming out for _you_!

Heheheh!

Or I'll just have Zellie zap you, one or the other. In fact, you can choose! Shweet!

Until next time, people! It should be fairly soon!

Signing off, captain!


	2. Chapter 2: Peach Arrives, Trouble Starts

**The Super Smash Brothers' Dating Show!**

Ahh, welcome back, readers! I'm happy to say I have received all of . . . _let's see here_ . . . **3 reviews! **I'm happy w/ that. Even though I have about 40 hits and 3 reviews. Yes, I know, that may not seem much to you, but 40 hits are spiffindiculous to me. Yet, I must ask you to please review, people. Kudos to those 3 of you who did! I love you! Cookies for you!

**Joeb : **congrats, 1st reviewer! And thank you ever-so-much for the gold star. Its current residence is on my forehead. XD

**Ickiakki : **yes, I believe that this will get interesting, too. You have my word. And Mewtwo's here because, well, you'll find out. ;)

**CrypticElf : **thanks muchly. I do so hope that everyone will remember this!

Yes, that is it so far, readers. Just think; you could be written within this wonderful story! Permanently! Oh, the possibilities! (cough-cough)

Anyway. Now, back to the unfolding of this brouhaha! _Yes, brouhaha is a word. Look it up. XD _Onto . . .Chapter Two of : **The SSBM Dating Show!**

** ..:..  
**

_At Princess Peach's very large home _. . ._ scratch that; very large **castle **_. . .

"Dumm dee da dum . . .Toad!" The Princess of Pink called out into the extremely pink sitting room, one of many in the castle. On second thought, was it pink? _Or crimson . . .?_ Oh, who cares. It was part of the pink family.

"Yes, Princess?" Toad answered back in his high, scratchy voice. He stopped his pacing, where he was contemplating the possible downsides of this whole, err, 'dating show' thing.

"Tonight's gonna be great! The lights! The camera! The _action_!" Peach started to giggle madly, causing her slightly flaky pink poodle to bounce out of her lap, and onto the floor.

"Meow."

"Oh, my poor Miss Huggles! While I'm out becoming a star, Toad, could you give her a bath tonight?" Peach put on her best 'Sobbing-Sally' face, filling her eyes with fake tears.

Slowly, the poor 2-foot tall mushroom thing nodded. He grimaced, looking over the psychotic pure-breed. He hated washing that . . . that . . . _thing_. Peach, oblivious to the mushroom man's distaste, went on.

"And all the people there, too! Heehee! Everyone around town will be talking about me! Yes! MEEE! MWAHAHAHA!" Along with her moronic laughter, she began rolling about the room, knocking over expensive vases and irreplaceable artwork. What a dumbass, no?

Toad coughed quietly from the opposite corner of the room. "Ahem . . . -cough- "

Peach, not even a tiny bit tired from her little outburst, looked over to him and her precious dog. Ruffling her skirt, she spoke. "Uhh, what?"

Toad roller his beady little eyes, motioning to the broken piles of art.

"Ohh. Heehee! Sorry, Toadie!" Turning her empty head, Peach looked up to the massive grandfather clock in the corridor. It, ironically, was given to her by an aunt. Not her grandpa. Weeiird. "Oh, what time is it . . . ? HOLY MUSHROOMS! I'm gonna be late! Toad! Get my limo out and ready! I'm gonna arrive in style!" Frantically, she hitched up her skirts and flew from the room, leaving Toad and Miss Huggles alone.

_Tonight's gonna be one looong night_ . . .

"Meow."

The pudgy midget ran after the psychotic girl, Miss Huggles in tow, wheezing all the way. "But . . . (huff) Miss, they're (puff) g-going to do your (wheeze) makeup at the (cough) s-studio!" Choking out the words, he came to a sudden stop, dropping the poor animal. "Princess! C-come back!"

Her badgering giggles echoed down the hall. "I know, silly!" Her voice seemingly came out of nowhere. "But I need to look professional when I pull up! Now! TO THE GARAGE!" Loud footsteps clacked down the corridor.

"Alright!" Toad called after her, readying his Mushroom shaped phone. (Surprising, yes?) "Get the stretch out," he panted into it.

In a matter of seconds, her Retarded-ness scurried up to Toad, grabbed him by his stubbly little limb, and ran like a madman –or should I say, _madwoman_- out the large oak doors. Which, not so surprisingly, were painted pink.

_A looong night, indeed . . . _

oO0Oo

_Back at the SSBM Broadcasting Building, otherwise codenamed 'rumpus in a bottle,' things weren't doing much better_ . . .

"Okay, guys," called out a nervous-beyond-belief Zelda, chewing her lip, "There's like, five minutes till seven, and where the heck is Peach!" Hastily she paced back and forth, stilettos leaving marks on the tiled floor. The _expensive_ tiled floor. Need I say more?

"Link, get my cell-"

"You misplaced it in all of _25 minutes_!" Link cut her off, giving her quite the glare.

"Umm, yes?"

"See, Zellie, I told you that her royal pain-in-the-ass wouldn't remember . . ."

"Link? Please don't call me that in front of people," Zelda stated quietly, a slight blush to her cheeks. With people chuckling in the background, of course. "WHAT?" Once again, she screeched, giving everyone the evil eye. Again. "Now _Linky-Pie_," she jeered, mocking him, "Will you_ please_ go find my cellular device?"

Sighing, Link hurriedly went on another little expedition to find the lost phone, while the rest of the studio scuttled back to work. And, once more, the place was not so ready to go.

Staff members sat lazily at their posts, you know, with the typical butt scratch or nose-pick. Ew.

"Will somebody **_please_** get me the fricking mafia!" Mewtwo, part of the production staff, ran through the large, modded-out glass doors, arms flailing about. "Those damn kids wrecked the good camera . . . **_AGAIN_**!" He motioned around, trying to get some staff to bring tools to the, errr, 'wreckage site,' while giggling and glass-breaking sounds echoed in the distance.

After the small, dramatic interruption, Dr. Mario (who had been watching the whole scene) coughed into his hand. "Uhh, Zelda," he murmured, still coughing, "is it-a your time-a of the month-a-"

Zelda, now completely embarrassed, (think tomato red . . .) spun around to face the pudgy man. "It is sooo not my, err, you know . . . And how dare you jump to conclusions! Just-just shut up!" she spat, mortification clearly visible on her face.

"So-a, I take-a that as a yes?"

Angered, she slapped him. Hard. On the face.

"No, Dr. Mario. Just, just no."

At that very moment, Link came rushing back with Zelda's phone in hand. And he saw Zelda's very red face. AND Dr. Mario's very red, hand-marked cheek.

"Uhh," he rattled out, half-panting, "Did I _miss_ something?"

Choking out at the same time, the two spoke. "No." "Yes-a." Zelda looked back at the doctor, eyes glazed with hate.

"Yes." "No-a."

Link smirked, rolling his eyes. "Whatever. Here, your _Highness_, is your cell phone. Once again retrieved from Bowser's evil clutches." Waving the phone in front of her face, Link dropped it into her expectant hands.

"You _did_ Lysol it, right?" Zelda asked, not very surprised.

"Yea, Zelda. Duh."

Bowser, as if on cue, yet again walked out into the main studio. "I'm sorry, guys! I can't help it!" And the studio noticed toilet paper stuck to his foot. His . . . _wet_ . . . foot. Gross.

"Bowser," Zelda started, "How many times a day do you use the restroom?"

"Well, it depends, but mostly se-"

"That was a rhetorical question. Now, I'm calling our air headed friend." Hitting speed-dial, Zelda put the phone up to her ear. "SHH!"

Link grimaced. Turning to Luigi, who was conveniently sweeping next to him, he whispered, "It's gonna be a_ looong_ night."

oO0Oo

Peach, now hanging her head out the side of the limo, heard her positively pink phone ring from inside the car. Rushing to it, she opened it and answered. "'Yellow, this is Peach, unless I'm mistaken-"

Toad, who was supposed to be at home, grabbed the cell from her. "Uh hello?"

"Toad?" A feminine voice came through. "Toad? It's Zelda. Is Peach on her way?"

"As we speak," Toad sighed, eyeing the idiot, who was, at the moment, screaming incessantly at the driver.

"COME ON, YOU STUPID DRIVER! THIS LIMO CAN GET TO 100 MILES PER HOUR! OR MPH! WHATEVER YOU STANDARDS ARE! YOU'RE GOIN' 52! HELLOOO! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!"

"Alright, Toad, thanks. We'll see you soon. Hopefully."

oO0Oo

_Back in the studio . . ._

Zelda hung up the phone, eyes slightly rolling. "Yep, she's on her way. Get the makeup department ready . . . STAT!"

As the makeup artists scrambled to their posts, a loud boom was heard outside. Looking out the window from 11 stories up, Link twitched. A stretch limo, very pink, was on top of the sidewalk, with the front end smashed against a fire hydrant. "She's here . . ."

A giggly voice erupted from the hallway, followed by a perky Peach bouncing through the doorway. "Hola, guys! Let's get this partay started!" Beginning to dance, she shuffled about the room, almost breaking the equipment.

"Peach, dear! You're here! Come with me!" Zelda put on a false smile, along with a sickeningly sweet tone. Grabbing the other princess by the arm, she led the way to the makeup area.

Meanwhile, the rest of backstage was a wreck, complete with little fires and everything of the sort. Barely anyone helped pick up the mess. And, to top it all off, Peach was making quite the scene.

"HEY! DON'T BE PUTTING THAT STUFF ON MY FACE-" Some of the powder went into her large mouth, causing her to sputter. "-cough- Hey! That kinda looks like some of the stuff I found under my bed . . ."

Link, who had his head microphone on and ready, called out to everyone. "Hey! We're on in ten! HURRY UP BACK THERE!" The audience had already started to leak into their seats, causing the noise factor to jump from 100 percent to at least 110.

Zelda, pacing, looked out into the crowd. Kirby waddled up to her, smiling sadly. Makeup people were fixing her up last-minute, and the little pink ball spoke. "Hey Zelda?"

Zapping away an annoying powder artist, she nodded. "Yes?"

"Me thinks that this is madness . . ."

"It'll be great, Kirby, just you wait and see. We have Peach on tonight!" She called out to him, fake smile shining. Dismayed, Kirby shook his head. More like body. Because his head like, _is_ his body, I guess . . .

"That's exactly why me thinks it is madness." Waddling away, he went back to his seat.

Zelda frowned. "Oh, great Goddesses, help me tonight . . ."

Backstage, Mewtwo put on his headset. "Everything ready?" he asked, calling out to Link.

"The stars are in place, besides Peach. Zel's onstage, Peach will walk on, the mystery guys are already behind their screens." Link looked out to the crowd, gulping.

"Whenever you're ready, Mewtwo . . ."

Sighing, the large cat-like thing motioned to the camera crew to start the countdown.

_Great,_ he mused, floating to his spot, this _is just peachy. Hah, peachy. Like peaches and cream. Or, like the blonde bimbo herself. Heh. I crack myself up._

Link, already behind the camera crew, signaled the start. "_Five, four, three, two, one . . ."_

**!$&**

Yay! Chapter two down! Woot! Go me! If it's too long, then boohoo for you. And now, for a small author's note. Like, an actual serious thing. Be shocked, fools.

**A/N: **Because of my 'dedication' to the marching band, (yes, I am a lowly freshman in color guard . . .) I have band camp from the 24th to the 30th. Next week. So, this will probably be my last update until then, but I'll probably work on the next chapter. Then, I'll post two the week I get back. Sound peachy? Hah. Peachy.

Wish me luck at death camp. Oops, I mean, _band camp_.

Until next time, readers! Please Review! You shall get cookies! Everyone loooves cookies! Or, any desert of your choosing. Just this once. _I personally like ice cream_ . . .

R&R!

Signing off!


	3. Chapter 3: And the Show Begins

**The Super Smash Brothers' Dating Show!**

**!&? **

Long time, no see, eh? Well, 1st off, I must say that I, Katie, did in fact survive death camp. Err, I mean, band camp. It was alright, except our instructors did so love to yell . . . / And, the food wasn't half bad. Go mushy tater tots. XD Napoleon would be quite pleased . . .

Now, for my loverly reviewers! Whom I love! Which is why they are so loved!

**CrypticElf : **You're good luck blessing must've helped at band camp. Because it didn't truly suck. For that, I am thankful. Gives you a million cookies Eat up, friend! And yes, Bowser is just a tad odd . . . xD

**Zephyr Analea Mewtwo's Amore : **Well, I'm glad you still like it! Cookies for you

**Blazing Fool : **Hmm . . . I don't think band camp could be worse than boot camp . . . And it's great to hear you were 'released,' as well . . . XD Don't worry. The cookies were my treat.

**Psie : **Haha, yes, Peach + TV disaster. Yet, the real atrocity has yet to unfold . . . mwahaha . . . XD

**Joeb : **You should feel so honored to get a cookie. From myself, no less. XD And thanks for the purple explosive! It sure came in handy at band camp. The port-o-potties are awful. Something had to be done. ;)

**Ickiakki : **Haha, don't worry, I'll review any fic of yours. Just specify which one! ;) And thanks for the review! Hands over a cookie

**Dr.Wilopolis :** Heehee, I'm glad you enjoy the fic so far! Cookie for you!

**py61388 : **Don't worry, I'm updating! And I know who you are! AHAHA! Cookies for you, dear brother. XD

_Now for a little blurby-wurby:_

I have 190 hits for this story and only 11 reviews! Not that I'm complaining, it's just that I would oh so love more reviews. Questions, comments, even complaints; whatever. Just please be kind and review! Hooray! You'll get COOKIES! OMG! Everyone loves cookies! Yay for cookies:)

Now, onto the story, folks.

_Chapter 3 of . . ._ **The SSBM DATING SHOW!**

**!&? **

"_Five, four, three, two, one . . ."_

The countdown in the studio went by tremendously slow for Zelda, who was trying to smile above of the flashing lights and the crowd's noise level. With a final brush of her hair, she stood up from her plushy seat, preparing to introduce the show.

Breathing in deep, she talked above the audience, staring directly into the camera. "Hello, and welcome to The Super Smash Brothers' Dating Show!"

Slowly, the clapping faded out, giving the princess more opportunity to talk. And I mean, I doubt any viewers at home heard the little intro over the incessant screaming and cat calls. O.o

"Tonight's guest," started Zelda, who was currently putting on a fake smile, "hails from the beautiful Mushroom Kingdom!"

A few groans were heard from the crowd, already second-guessing the contestant. Ouch.

"Let's put out a warm welcome to, Princess Peach!"

The audience remained completely silent, aside from a few snickers. And Ganondorf's horrendously large pass of gas.

Coming onto the stage, our positively annoying princess waved to her 'people.' Giggling, she romped about the stage, earning creeped out stares from most everyone. And still, no one clapped. Another ouch. ;)

"Umm hello! I'm right here, everybody . . ." Peach called out, finally making it to her seat. "What, are you all zombies or something?"

Zelda felt a sweat drop, and quickly sat down. "Umm, yes, you're right there, Peach. And no, I don't believe security let in a bunch of dead people." Realizing how corny her last statement sounded, she coughed into her hand, blushing a light shade of pink.

The Hylian princess continued, weary of her words. And the pitied stares.

"So, Peach, what made you come onto the show tonight?"

Giggling, the pink-obsessed princess crossed her legs. "Well, Zellie, besides you calling me for the favor, I thought it would be sweet to be on television. I mean, millions of people are looking at me right now! ME! Haha!"

Link, who was standing behind the camera crew, muttered under his breath. "_Not a very decent view, however_ . . ." Some of the workers heard his little comment, and nodded in agreement.

One perverted camera man quietly laughed, bringing up a very embarrassing moment in the show's history. Well, at least, it was for Zellie over there. "_A decent view was that of Zelda, guys. Remember when Stan got bored shooting footage above the belt?"_

This caused a few snickers, and Link to roll his eyes in recollection. The camera guy had gotten interested in Zelda's very short skirt during that show. Let's just say he shot some 'down south footage.' Ew.

_But anyway_, back to the blonde bimbo. I mean Peach. Not Zellie. Heh.

"Well," began Zelda, yawning, "isn't that interesting. I'd say it's time to go backstage to meet our mystery men!" She stood up, brushing off her shirt.

"OH, GOODY! I'M SO EXCITED! LET'S GO, ZELLIE! HEEHEE!"

Scurrying out of her seat, Peach began her mad dash to the backstage area.

Mewtwo, watching the whole thing, used his 'insanely awesome' mental powers to lift the overly hyper girl into the air, and down back into her seat. Then, he proceeded to gag her. So nice, isn't he?

"Um, thanks, Mewtwo," Zelda called out, scanning around for him. Turning to Peach, she stuck out her tongue. "Not you, silly, just me! I get to go back there, not you!" She skipped from her spot from the stage, and added in a sing-song voice under her breath, "_Dumbass."_

Unfortunately, her clip-on microphone picked the best time to work.

Right then.

The crowd hooted in laughter, pointing at the village idiot. Village idiot as in Peach, I might add. Poor little blondie. sigh

"Ophle . . ." the princess of mushrooms –and all things pink- choked under her gag.

Mewtwo read her practically empty mind. "That means, 'oh,' everyone."

"Ohh," the audience echoed, amazed at Mewtwo's capabilities. Either that, or they were to busy staring at the bound-up Peach. Not a very pretty sight, but hey. Whatever floats your boat, I guess . . .

"Mewtwo!" Zelda started walking back to the curtain. "Start the positively annoying voice!" (As in the stupid perky male voice you'd hear as an announcer in some idiotic game show. Heh.)

"You got it, Zelda. Hit it!" With a snap of his fingers, or like, whatever the hell those things are, the voice was heard.

"Ahem," boomed the voice, sending the audience to cower in their seats for a moment, "now for the announcing of the male mystery men!"

In the audience, Samus whispered to DK. "Uhh, why does he have to specify that they're 'male' after he calls the mystery_ men_?" The gorilla grunted in return.

"Our first guest," continued the mysterious voice, "hails from the Mushroom Kingdom himself. And, he is a 1st class plumber, as well. What a difficult job he has, saving the Princess Toadstool from his nemesis all the time!"

Zelda rolled her eyes, thinking to herself. _Why does he save her? I'd be the first one to throw her royal pain-in-the-ass off a cliff . . ._

"Heeeere's, MARIO!"

The audience roared with applause, being an all-time favorite character within their city. Random screams of "I love you, Mario!" or "Streak for me!" were heard above the noise.

I'm sorry, but whoever wants tubby-man to streak is just plain insane. Either that, or obese themselves. XD

"So Mario," Zelda spoke, settling down behind the red screen, where the hero was situated. "Are you confident in winning this competition of love and loss?"

"I am-a, Princess. I am-a confident in-a winning my dear Peach's heart-a . . . again-a!"

"Well, there you have it, folks, good ol' Mario is here to sweep the girl off her feet! Good luck in tonight's show, Mario!" Standing up, Zelda re-adjusted her shirt. "I'm off!"

Mario waved a gloved hand at the Hylian beauty, secretly wishing she was the lucky female contestant. Woot. Go Mario! _Get down with your bad self._

"As Zelda continues on to the blue screen," the voice said, "I will start to introduce our next male contestant!" _Again with the male thing . . . ew . . . _"He's known to be quite the charmer, if I may say so myself. Along with his dashing good looks, he's got speed on and off the race track. (umm ew?) Let's welcome, Captain Falcon!"

A handful of people clapped, and realizing they were the only ones, they slowly stopped out of humiliation. What a cruel and unusual punishment, no?

Zelda, remembering the day's earlier unwanted slap on the booty, carefully went in. Grimacing, she spoke. "So, uhh, Captain Falcon. Are your, err, happy to be here tonight?" Inching into her seat, Zel made sure not to turn her back on the pervert.

Flashing his crooked grin at the poor girl, he cockily piped up. "Aww, yea, baby . . . As long as you're here, you make my temperature rise!"

Just a tad freaked out, Zelda coughed. "Umm, you _do_ know that the show tonight is to compete over Peach, right?"

The racer's face fell, but gained hope. "Oh shit. Well, she may be a few fries short of a happy meal, but, she's still **_damn_** fine!

Mario, being right in the next screen, heard the whole conversation. Jumping from his spot, the tubby plumber raced over to the perv and started to beat the living shit out of him. Once again, _get waaay down with your baaad self, Mario. We love you!_ O.o

Zelda stood again, a tad scared. Letting a massive sweat drop fall, she grinned slightly and walked out of the scene. "I'll leave you two alone for a bit . . ."

Stepping over the brawl, and once again getting groped by Captain Falcon, she jogged over to the green screen.

_Last contestant, Zel, _she mused to herself._ Then, back onstage with the moron. Hmm . . . moron, or brawls and unwanted groping? That really is a hard choice._

"Our last contestant is quite the shocker, folks!" The peppy voice shouted above the crowd's hoots and hollers. "He also seems to have some weird connection with toilet paper, and then some. I think you know the rest."

_"Our last contestant is-"_

**!&? **

So how was that? Sorry if it may be lacking on the funny. But I promise the next chapter will have humor. At least, more that this chappie did. XD 

Can you guess who the last contestant is? I'm sure you can. It's not that hard. ;)

Well, review, people. I'll love you forever. And ever. And past my expiration date. Heh.

R&R!

Signing off!


	4. Chapter 4: Mystery Man 3 REVEALED!

**The Super Smash Brothers' Dating Show!**

**!&?**

Welcome back, dear readers! I am sooo sorry it took so long for this update! But guard's been a real pain in the a-hole. Heh. So I kinda broke my promise to update twice the week after my tremendous little escapade to the old, run-down church camp-turned-band camp. Yes, the place is called Pilgrim Park, and the conference center is nice, but that's about it. You know, an e coli infested pool, the dorm I stayed in that looked straight out of Auschwitz . . . yea. The works. **_But anywho_**, let's get to the reviews! Woot! I loooove reviews!

**Dr.Wilopolis : **Haha, I appreciate Fox's bold move on Ganondorf. The killing, I mean. XD He does deserve it, doesn't he . . . ?

**Joeb : **Well, I am a tad afraid of shooting myself; but I **do** guarantee that I love each and every single reviewer! To death! Hah! To death! I crack myself up. O.o

**Ickiakki : **I reviewed your story! It's awesome so far! Thanks for your review! n.n

**Zephyr Analea Mewtwo's Amore :** Oh yes, thanking is definitely in order for our overgrown feline friend! (Mewtwo, of course!) Ahh, do have fun throwing sugar. I do so love that pastime. XD

**Andersonfanandadmirer : **Shall the humor Gods be on your side? Hmmm . . . we shall see . . . ;)

**Crocgirl13 : **Ahh! A fellow guardist! Or whatever they call it . . . O.o And don't worry about not reviewing if you can't; I fully understand. I may have to take a break from this once the season kicks off:(

**CrypticElf : **True that, true that. (cell phone and toilet paper . . . shudder) Aww, thanks for the positive reinforcement. About the lacking funny. I'm glad I made you laugh!

**Black Elfic Girl : **Oh yes. I am a biiig Zelda fan. Heh. Thanks for liking my story so much! Kudos to you! n.n

That's it for the reviews! But let me say, and even though I do so hate to nag . . . _341 hits and only 19 reviews!_ Wow. I guess that's not half bad, though, considering when I first put this up, I had about 8 reviews for SEVEN chapters. I have 19 for 3. Woot. You people rock my face.

Back to the show, folks!

_Chapter 4 of_ . . . **THE SSBM DATING SHOW!**

**!&?**

"_Our last contestant is _. . ."

Whispering back and forth, the crowd all took their fair share of guessing the final mystery man. And let's just say some guesses were pretty out there. Like, in a galaxy far-far-away type of out there. Maybe some presumptions out-forced the _Force_.

_Any who, let's leave Luke Skywalker and friends out of this, hmm?_

Snares rolled wildly above the music, and the constant pitter-pattering was giving poor Mewtwo a migraine. And the high-pitched gurgles coming from Peach's gagged mouth weren't helping. At least the overly-perky princess couldn't hear herself, courtesy of the earplugs smashed firmly into her ears. Eh, Mewtwo.

As if on command, (or possibly, on _actual _command from our favorite Pokemon) the drum rolls ceased, and the audience looked up to the stage, were the humongous screen's flashing question marks faded out.

"As I was saying," the voice continued, clearing his throat, "our last contestant this evening is . . . **Bowser**?"

Some were stunned, others smirked because of their correct sentiments. And a tiny little voice screeched out into the silence.

"DAMNIT! HOW COULD I LOSE THIS BET! GODDAMIT!"

Shocked faces turned to see the small Ice Climber, Popo, angrily clawing at his seat. With his, umm, mittened hands. His sister, Nana, bonked him over the head with her large hammer. "Well, **idiot**, considering '_Tour Guide Barbie_' isn't a smasher, I'd think you'd lose the pathetic bet, too!"

Snickers erupted around the feuding siblings, and Popo turned redder than a barefooted hillbilly with severe frost bite. Ouch. What a blow to his pride.

Once again, the crowd turned their heads toward the screen, to see Zelda's slightly confused face enter the green screen.

Sitting down next to the gigantic koopa, she cleared her throat and spoke. "Um, well, Bowser. This is, err, kind of out of character for you. To compete over the idio- I mean, Princess Peach! So, obviously, you wanted to be a part of this, but I have to ask for everyone out there . . . _why_?"

Sniggering, Bowser's fangs were in clear view, and he twiddled his thumbs. Pointy, claw-like thumbs, may I add. O.o

"Well now, Zelda, _and_ lovely audience! Let me clear any and all confusion! I came here tonight because I get a free, quote, date, unquote, with Peach I win this thing. And of course I'll win. Because I'm Bowser. And I'm-"

Cutting him off, Zelda chimed in. "Getting of track, man . . ."

"Oh! Right! Anyway, like I was saying about the whole 'date' thing." He paused, getting a dreamy look in his eye. But yet, he still grinned evilly. Odd thing, isn't he?

"And when I win, I will kidnap her on our date! Then she will become my slave! And I will make her . . . bake me . . . her exquisite . . . _peach_ . . . _pies_ . . ." Drool started forming in the beast's mouth, and it cascaded down to the polished floor. It was also collecting in quite a large puddle, too. Eww.

"Peach pies . . . _all day_ . . . (groan)"

Zelda scooted away from yet another contestant, getting up and looking into the camera. "Umm, yea . . . can we get a janitor in here, please?"

Exiting the site, she sighed. "Back to Peach!"

She dashed back to the stage, applause erupting upon her return. Wolf whistles, too. Ow-ow. XD

"Well, weren't those some interesting one-on-ones'?" Zelda smiled, talking above the group. "Very interesting, I say. Now, you guys know our mystery men for the evening! Here are their numbers . . . hit it, masculine voice!"

Once again, the mysterious, perky male voice was heard.

"Mario, behind the red screen . . . is **_Mystery Man Number One_**! Captain Falcon, behind the blue screen, is **_Mystery Man Number Two_**! And finally, Bowser, behind the green screen, is **_Mystery Man Number Three_**!"

Bits of clapping scattered about the studio after the announcement, but most of the crowd was twitching in excitement . . . or was it agony? Who knows. But an aggravated voice emerged from the back row.

"YEA, YEA, BUT I STILL WANNA KNOW WHY THEY'RE COMPETIN' OVER THAT SAD EXCUSE FOR A PRINCESS-"

"Uh, security?" Zelda called out from her big, poofy seat. (Must be pretty damn comfy. :P)

Two large, beefy German-speaking security guards came out of nowhere, motioning to the man. Speaking in one helluva Arnold Schwarzenegger accent, he yelled. "Please come with us, little man-"

"NEVERRR!" The man pulled off his ski mask, and it was none other than . . . Ganondork. I mean, Ganondorf. How predictable, no?

Running out of his seat, he pranced around the studio singing 'Born Free,' (which I do not own, by the way . . .n.n) But in his stupidity, he tripped over a chair. "NOOO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! YOU HERE ME! NEVERRR!"

"Alright, girly-man, let's go." The guards grabbed him, shuffled over to the back door, and threw him out. Just like that. Poor Ganny.

Zelda, smacking her forehead, thought to herself. _I really don't get paid enough for this_ _job_ . . .

"So," the Hylian Princess turned toward the bound-and-gagged Peach, who was currently squirming on the floor. "Peach, are you excited!"

"Mphhfemmak!"

Nodding as if she understood the moron perfectly, Zelda continued. "I see . . . so how do you _feel_ about this?"

The audience's attention was drawn back from the crazed super-villain to the princesses. "Ooo, ahh . . ."

Princess Peach, who's rolling on the ground stopped, mumbled. "Ihh . . .fraglict?"

The audience bursted into shits and giggles, not understanding a word the girl said. Well, I don't even really know what she said. Only Mewtwo, and possibly Zelda, who was still nodding.

"Riiight . . ." Smiling once again, Zellie turned to the camera. "Well, stay tuned, folks! We'll be right back after this well-needed commercial break!"

**!&?**

_(**Commercials**_. . . _what? Did you think that there wouldn't be any? Well, you're wrong, fool! Ahaha! Wrong, I say! O.o)_

(A hillbilly voice is heard, cackling like a man on drugs. Heavy drugs. XD The voice is set to banjo music, and a green building is seen.)

"Yeehaw! Come on down to Yoshi's Round Up! Where the fun never stops! It just goes round, and round, and round, and round, and . . ."

Millions of multi-colored Yoshis pop up, dancing and humming to the music.

"Check 'er out today, ya'll!"

(_**Next Commercial**)_

(A local Kirb-O's Restaurant comes into focus. Puppet versions of Ness, Kirby, and Young Link appear from behind the counter.)

"We love our KIRB-O's! For they are good to US!"

(The puppets scarf down foot long sub sandwiches.)

"Please eat at KIRB-O's! Or we shall slaughter ALL!" n.n

(**_End Commercials_**)

**!&?**

Zelda's slightly tired face came back to view, and the show started up again. "Welcome back, viewers! And if you missed the first part of our show, tonight's guest is Princess Peach! And you're watching . . ."

"THE SUPER SMASH BROTHERS' DATING SHOW!"

"Uhh, thanks, studio audience!"

"No problem, Zelda!"

Facing back to Peach, the princess grimaced. "Um, Mewtwo, do ya think you could possibly, well, I don't know . . . **_Untie Peach now_**!"

"But, Zelda-"

"I said now, Mewtwo!"

Cowering in fear of the princess's wrath, the psychic Pokemon mentally undid the idiot's bindings.

Giggling, the princess of all things pink ran around the stage. Ohh, pretty lights! Heehee!"

Zelda sighed, and grabbed the girl's arm as she flew by. "Peach, dear, it's time for the-"

"FIRST ROUND!"

Rolling her eyes, Zelda threw the girl into her seat. "Thanks, _again_, studio audience . . ."

"No problem, Zelda!"

The Hylian sighed again, softly, and sat down. _Here we go, Zel, here we go . . ._

**!&?**

Heehee! Another chapter down! Shweet! XD

I thought this one was alright, and I hope you guys love it. And cookies for you if you guessed right on the last contestant.

And you might get even more if you guess what that second commercial was based off of! (Think a while back on TV)

Well, that's all for now, folks! **R&R!**

Signing off!


	5. Chapter 5: Madness, I Tell You

**The Super Smash Brothers' Dating Show**

**A/N: **Holy magic mushrooms! I'm alive! After so long, too! And first off, let me say that I'm sooo sorry for taking such an enormous amount of time to do this! I promised this for a reviewer a long time ago, but this website went crazy when I tried to upload it, and I couldn't access the site for another 2 weeks. I'm really, terribly, horribly sorry. But last night, I got up chapter 2 of **Worth Fighting For**, so if you're a Zelinker, check it out. If you want to, anyways.

So, I know I took a long time on this, and I'm fixing it up a bit right now, and I have practice later today so, once again, I'm rushing. Big surprise. And I really must thank my one reviewer who gave me some constructive criticism, unlike the idiotic flamer. You really must use proper grammar if you're going to try to insult my writing. And, quite frankly, I don't care because this story is used to bring down my stress level, with Finals coming up in school in two weeks, and winter guard practices being so long. So thanks, you made my day. I laughed. Long and hard. And yes, I do know more faces, but I like the ones I use, thanks. O.o can be frightened/confused in my mind. So back off, please.

Anyway, back on to the story! I hope you like this rushed mess. And yay, 30 reviews! Thanks!

**The Super Smash Brothers' Dating Show**

**Chapter 5**

**-x-**

Zelda, who had just plucked the pink-clothed princess away from potentially falling off the stage and into the audience, grimaced as she threw her into the velvet-upholstered chair. As Peach squirmed excitedly in her seat, the Hylian royal could barely stand the other girl's sickeningly sweet smile.

"Alright, people," Zelda began, sitting delicately, hands folded in her lap, "here we go."

She signaled a thumbs-up to the camera crew, and flashed a perfect smile as she saw the on-air sign flicker, lighting up.

"Hello! I'm Zelda Harkinian, and you're watching-"

"**The Super Smash Brothers' Dating Show!" **The audience screamed out from in front of her, causing her grin to falter; but just a bit.

"Uh, thanks, again, studio audience . . ." As she looked back into the camera, Zelda smoothed down her grey skirt. "Just a few minutes ago, the show started, so if you missed anything, let's recap."

Peach giggled, enjoying the attention, and waved her right hand, while her left was stuck in her mouth. Ew.

Zelda quickly flicked her golden hair behind a pointed ear, and focused on the screens behind her. "So far, all of the Mystery Men have been revealed to the audience, and now, Peach will begin to ask the questions. So, folks, are you _ready_?"

"**Yes we are!"**

"Okay then. Peach, here you go," Zelda said, shoving a stack of notecards at the dumb-founded girl, whose spitty hand just happened to brush Zelda's as she took the cards. Frowning, Zelda hastily pulled in her infected hand, and weakly sighed. Peach, on the other hand, was bouncing up and down in her chair, making the stage creak and rumble.

"OH GOODY, HOORAY! IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME OF DAY!" The idiot stopped bouncing, and a cheeky grin spread across her face. "Ohh, I rhymed! I rhymed, Zellie! Yay! Yay! Yay! Ya-"

"Alright already, Peach. Just ask the question that's on the card."

"Ohh. Okay-dokay!" She fumbled around for a second, then grasped the first card. Giggling incessantly, she started.

"Alrighty then . . .OH! YIPEE SKIPPY! OK! Mystery man numero-uno! Heehee . . . If I was a complete idiot . . ." The audience snickered.

"Ahem! If I was a complete idiot, how would you treat me?" The empty-minded princess rested on one arm chair, leaning in.

Mystery Man number 1, a.k.a Mario, spoke from behind the red screen. "Well-a, I'd try-a to make-a you happy!"

Zelda rolled her eyes, and Peach flirtatiously chuckled. The audience, quite absorbed in the ludicrous scene, let out an 'Awwww.'

"Heehee, why thank you, sir! I feel sooo loved! Now, you, Number 2. What would you do! OH, I RHYMED AGAIN! YAY!"

Zelda sighed, and looked across the stage to the blue screen, waiting for a retarded answer from the retarded pervert, Captain Falcon.

"Well, I would drop you off at the nearest home I could find, then I'd go screw some other hottie!" Wow. Such a great thing to say, no?

Peach, being the jackass that she is, simply replied, "Well, that sounds logical, doesn't it?" The audience let out an exasperated sigh. Fox, sitting next to Falco in the stands, whispered to his friend. "Dude. I'm surprised that she even knows what 'screw' means. Sick." The audience nodded in agreement, much to the staff's dismay.

"Uhh, we need a break, folks! Be back soon!" Zelda stood from her seat, and waved into the camera, all the while thinking, _I need a vacation. I really do._

**-x-**

This chapter is shorter than it's supposed to be, so it's like the first half of Chapter 5. Just so you know. XD

But I have to go eat lunch now, and get ready for practice, so I'm sorry. Another little short blob. But, I'll amuse you with some stuff from the next half of chapter 5 . . .

"_Ohh . . . me thinks me going to be sick, Zellie . . ."_

_-_

'_Stepping over the trail of green gunk, Zelda plugged her nose. "Can someone please pick this up!"'_

_-_

"_It's okay, dear. Half the people in the world are well below average, too . . ."_

And yes, the commercial in the last chapter was spoofed off of the old Quizno's commercial. Do your remember that? Haha. It was great. . . Hooray! I'm amazing! (Just kidding, really.) I'm sorry if this isn't all that comical, because my writing style is a bit off after writing another story. So, yea. Sorry. Oh well.

Signing off!

-KH


End file.
